I'm Going to the Super Bowl!!!

All right...no I'm not...but this man with the enormous cranium is. We've already looked into the possibility of getting tickets...not happening.

Anyway, I didn't want to post over Dad's most recent blog, with fascinating pictures (keep 'em coming!) but since everyone else appears to have "gone dark" as Jack Bauer would say, I'm forced to keep the North American engine running...pretty much on my own. Strong work everyone.

So, for any of you looking for ways to avoid "doing your job", as I eternally am...here is something from the archives that I put together a while back for a Cougar Football site of some of my friends, that combines -wait for it---football AND religion! It's timely with the current events, yet also relevant to those thrusting in the sickle! We all win!

I know, I know, the sweetness of my sweetitude knows no bounds...

Well, let’s get into it then…here’s a little exercise for you, next time you get bored in Church (that’s assuming you go. We have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” attendance policy here at CPDC)…What if, just what if you had to assemble a football team…entirely from the Book of Mormon? Ludicrous? Perhaps. But could the day come when you are called to do this? “Oh get off it, Shane,” you say, “We don’t have time in our religion for such absurd nonsense…leave us be to focus on our history of normal theological principles, like polygamy, and getting our own planet.” All right, before you fire off the email you’re currently cobbling in your head…relax, Elder. Breathe a second…I’m just saying we’ve got some pretty radical concepts kicking around our faith…so I for one am getting ready…ruling nothing out as a possibility…let’s entertain this one for a moment…don’t be afraid of it. If you are prepared, then you shall have no fear...

So, who would you take? Who has demonstrated the unique skills needed to fill the varied positions of a full roster? Two real reasons for doing this: 1- It’s a pretty solid challenge, harder than you might think. 2- As you flip back and forth through the pages, contemplating who is going to hurt you the least as that weak side cornerback, everyone around you will assume you have wandered off the path of the lesson on your own personal journey of enlightenment…and they will be impressed by your newfound enthusiasm for scriptural knowledge… This is my team. I fasted and prayed about my picks, so don’t think you can dispute them…

Quarterback - Your Anchor. Your Leader…without a solid QB running your offense, you may as well clear your schedule for the Telestial Bowl, so choose wisely you must…fortunately this is the easiest selection to make: Nephi. A no-brainer pick. Large in stature. Sticks to the playbook, but also knows how to audible when necessary. You think he would put up with any jawing in the huddle? Known to have frequent visions, so he shouldn’t have a problem finding the open receiver. Has shown great arm strength with the bow and sword (see Laban’s head). Can take a beating, so you won’t have to worry about him pulling himself off the turf. Of course, I’d feel better knowing his Wonderlic score, and we don’t know much about his footwork…but I don’t think you’ll find a better option for under center.

Tailback – I’m going with Samuel The Lamanite. He was able to dodge a whole bunch of arrows and stones. Fearless and agile. Let’s see Barry Sanders do that. Plus he jumped off that wall…not to mention perhaps the most compelling factor…he’s not white. White guys do not make the best running backs. We all know it.

Fullback – Earl Campbell…is not mentioned anywhere in the Book of Mormon (and only once in the Doctrine and Covenants). I checked the Index. In light of that, I’m going to take Enos as my fullback. One minute, I’m bashing white running backs, and the next I’m taking one as my fullback…well I’m assuming he was a whitey…I guess if we’re getting technical they were all Jewish? Whatever. Enos was a wrestler…he said so himself. Likes to get physical, mix it up, and all that. Plus “Enos” just sounds swarthy…swarthiness is a highly desired quality in fullbacks. And in pirates, incidentally. Enos probably would have been a decent pirate too.

Receiver – 1- Abinadi. High pain threshold, a “must have” in any receiver running routes across the middle. Hopefully Nephi won’t hang him out to dry too often. 2- The Brother of Jared, even Mahonri Moriancumer. Sounds like a receiver’s name. I think it would look great on a jersey. 3- Jared. Not as good as his brother, but not a bad third option. I may have to hold open tryouts for that fourth spot…I have no idea who to put here.

Tight End – Mormon. This position was made for Mormons. Moroni will play the other side. Now, don’t start thinking that such an important figure is getting short-shrifted and deserves a better spot than 2nd Tight End. I’m going to run a two tight end set most of the time and he’ll get plenty of touches, when he’s not picking up the blitz. And I’ll need Father and Son to make up for the thin ranks in my receiving core.

Offensive Line – I’m taking four Kings and one Chief Judge as my front line. They were always going on about service to their fellow beings, so what better position to serve in than as un-glorified linemen? Nobody else wants that job…and they’ll still be Kings, so they’re still going to pull chicks…no need to sweat it. Benjamin at Center. Lamoni at Left Guard. Limhi at Right Guard. Mosiah at Left Tackle. I think he’ll do a good job of covering Nephi’s back. Assuming Nephi is right-handed, which I am. Choose The Right, I s’pose. At Right Tackle, Pahoran. I think this is a solid line. They could be undersized, but certainly reliable. I just hope “pulling” isn’t a problem for Limhi.

So there’s my offense…now for the other side…

As anyone with any sense, or love of righteousness would agree, the only real defense is a 3-4 defense. I’m pretty sure that Marvin J. Ashton was quoted in a BYU devotional as saying that any other defensive “scheme” was contrary to God’s Plan. If you want to run a 4-3, or have “cat backs” or whatever they are…you might just as well start preparing for that lake of fire, Heathen.

Defensive Line – The Three Nephites. Tireless, these fellas must be. Courageous, no doubt. My only concern is that they could report to camp late, skip practice, etc. as they always seem to be tied up rescuing sister missionaries or picking up hitchhikers.

Inside Linebacker – Alma the Younger and Amulek. They both had wild pasts. That kind of experience will only help. If they find a way to summon up a dose of that old darkness, don’t be surprised when they decleat you and then hock one in your ear hole. Alma does not mess around. He killed that dude Amlici for saying he wanted to be king…what’s he gonna do when you try and run a draw on him? Your funeral, brother.

Outside Linebacker – The stars. The glory hounds…but they earn it out there. If you’re going to have any success in the 3-4, these two have got to be exceptional. Strong. Fast. Killers. Captain Moroni. He was the only other serious consideration for quarterback…but I think he’s better off on the other side of the ball. He was born for this position. An expert in stratagem. Is he blitzing? Is he in coverage? He will rattle QB’s out of their jocks. On the other side I’m putting Teancum, Captain Moroni’s right hand man. This guy’s M.O. was infiltrating enemy camps, sneaking into tents, and lancing dudes in the heart with a javelin. A javelin. Badass.

Safety – Strong: Ammon. I think you’ve got no choice but to encourage the removal of opposing player’s limbs during regulation…either way, a first rate selection for this position. I would pay a hundred bucks to see Ammon and Jack Tatum throw down in The Octagon. Weak: That guy Gideon who chased down King Noah…we don’t know much about him, but he went down swinging, in the end. Sounds like a tough guy to me.

Corner – I’ll admit, I’m stumped on these. I’m running out of good options. Until I can figure something better out, I think I’ll throw Nephi and Lehi (Helaman’s boys) out there and see how they fare. I could get torched with these two, but I think I remember Nephi running around a lot, finding dead judges and what-not. May have to double check that. And Lehi, his bro…well they are from the same gene pool…so…we’ll see. I’m gonna get lit up like a Christmas tree with these two, I can just feel it. I may have to do more feasting on the word and see who else I can dig up…but I’ll let it simmer for now, and seek revelation later.

Special Teams – Helaman’s Stripling Warriors.

Punter – Nephi’s bro, Sam. He just seems like a punter.

Kicker – Alma’s son, Corianton. He’s got a weakness for harlots. Just the kind of mischief and moxie you want in a kicker. Kickers spend most their time checking out the cheerleaders anyway, so I think he’ll be pleased as punch.

I really need to figure out that corner situation, but even then…who would they play? Could Laman pull together a squad for a Promised Land scrimmage? Korihor could be a worthy adversary on defense. I mean, any defense with an Anti-Christ…you’ve gotta be concerned…this is going to require some more scripture study…